Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash
In my last article, I shared some rather uncomfortable relationship beliefs that I realized recently still existed in my relationship garden and need to be weeded out. I connected these beliefs to the song “Goodbye Earl” from the Dixie Chicks. In the song, three people are implicated: Wanda (described as the friend who stayed around the town where she grew up and married an abusive husband); Maryann (described as the friend who moved away and returned to kick ass when Wanda ended up in the ICU from an encounter with her abusive husband) and Earl (described as the abusive husband).
As I those unwanted beliefs emerged through the thicker foliage of the beliefs I’ve been cultivating intentionally, I knew immediately that they needed to be transformed. But how does one go about weeding a psychic garden? I wasn’t concerned much with focusing on one particular individual or even focusing on the beliefs themselves. They’re not new. They don’t reveal anything I don’t know. Recounting where they came from (again) would have been a waste of time. When you see a weed, do you sit there and contemplate where it came from? No. You pull it out because it’s in the way and stealing energy from what you’re trying to grow. If you pull it out properly, you take all of it — including (especially) the root.
In psychic terms, grabbing the root requires approaching the situation holistically and realistically. What does that mean? That means that I have to acknowledge all of the times and ways that I have been and/or played the role of all three people in the song — in my relationships with others and in my relationship with myself. Even if I haven’t been in that exact situation (though many pretty close), I was drawn to the song because the dynamic was familiar — from all of the different roles. Even though the beliefs I shared primarily focused on heterosexual romantic relationships and female friendships, it felt inaccurate. The truth is that we all have masculine and feminine energy and that, in my life, I have encountered people from all genders, sexual orientations and relationship structures who embody positive and negative masculine energy and positive and negative feminine energy.
The truth is that we all have a Wanda, a Maryann and an Earl within us. My own truth is that I have expressed the Wanda, the Maryann and the Earl within me outwardly. Like Ani DiFranco sings, “we can’t place blame cause blame is much too messy. Some was bound to get on you while you were tryna put it on me.” The issue wasn’t about the people involved or who was responsible. Everyone was responsible for some problematic relational dynamics. The question really — especially when you’re talking about changing your beliefs and acting like a grown-up — is: What are you going to do about it now? What was at the root? What is the new root that needs to be planted in its place?
Healing these dynamics — aka, ripping the shit out of those weeds — meant calling upon my higher self — the part of me that is always whole, always integrated and always sees and honors all sides. How would that person address the situation between Maryann, Wanda and Earl? More importantly, knowing what I know now, having (hopefully) matured these archetypes or energies, what is the outcome that each of them would like to achieve? What are the common beliefs they hold as a mature collective? That takes me to the truth of what I want in all of my close relationships, really:
· I want safety — I want to know what my limitations are and to honor them by setting boundaries. I want to be relationships with others who know their limitations and how to set boundaries. I want my boundaries to be respected. I want to know what others’ boundaries are so that I can honor them.
· I want passion — I want to share mutual pleasure, excitement and celebration.
· I want reciprocity — I want to be in relationship with people who know and honor their value as much as I know and honor mine. I want to be in relationship with people who have self-respect. I want the people with whom I’m in relationship to demonstrate that I am valuable to them as much as I demonstrate that they are valuable to me.
· I want love — I want a mutual desire to express the unique possibilities for growth that emerge from the unique connections and chemistry I share with others
· I want communication — I want relationships with clear and healthy communication in all directions. I want communication to feel good for everyone involved and, when it doesn’t, I want the connection, safety and care to allow that to be communicated clearly and received with love and understanding.
· I want to feel seen for the real truth of who I am and I want those with whom I’m in relationship to feel seen for the truth of who they are.
· I want my relationships to help me connect with my purpose and that which is greater than I am
What about you? What do you want in relationships? Can you see yourself and your life in the constellation of “Goodbye Earl”? If so, how? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
**This article was originally posted on May 3, 2018 on Medium.